weekend

Still no computer and at the moment I am useing my complicated-almost-ex-boyfriends laptop.
The weekend did not go well. As usual I do good in weekdays and the at the weekend I go fucking nuts.
I stayed over at Mats(complicated almost ex) appartment so i could not weigh myself but i will tomorrow morning and also try to post my stats then.

I am 166cm or 5'5'' 
Weigh about 59kg 
My goal weight is 53kg and bmi of 19.

Loosing weight

Two weeks ago i was 61kg(just after a binge).
On Monday i was 59.9kg.
Today i am 58.7kg.
My goal is to be 53kg before the end of the year.

University is so much work and i am so lazy...
It is only my firs semester/term.
But i need to do this.
I need to get my degree.

Computer crashed

My computer crashed two weeks ago and I had very little Interenet access. At the moment I am writing this from my boyfriends computer.
I have no idea how long it will take to fix my laptop but I hope not very long or I will go crazy soon.
The weekend i spent with my mother  her place is a huge trigger to me and I binged pretty bad there. I love my mother but something there just makes me eat all the food in sight. So frustrating. I would like to spend more time at my mum's place but I really dont want to get fat.
I also did one positive thing yesterday, I went running and i loved it. I dont know why I stopped running in September, probably because of university work. Maybe if i had continued running I would not have gained all that weight back. Next time i will be smarter.
I am fasting today and it is going great so far.
I have an exam on Thursday and I should study for it but i am too lazy and I have no motivation.
It seems the only thing i care about is my weight and the amount of food i am eating.
But this really has to change because i want to pass all my classes.

I will update my progress in a few days.

WEEKEND

It was hell.
I binged, and now i hate myself, oh the fun.

Binge purge

Two days of good eating. No binges, only food i consumed was some bread so my stomachk would not rumble during classes.
When i binge i almost never purge because I am not good at. Nothing came up even if i tried really hard. but the last weeks i binged and the times i tried to purge it acutlly worked.
So when i binge i have to purge to get rid of some calories and also to punish myself.

life

I feel so fat.
I have gained about 5 kg in the last 2 months because of university and boyfriends issues stress.
I hate the way I look.
I have no idea what i want concerning my boyfriend. i dont know if i want him or not.
i am still moving out on Monday. I dont know how we are going to explain my moving out to his family.
I dont know if we should break up or not.
I know i need some time to myself, have my own space.

Today i did well, only had some potatoes with sauce (i am at my boyfriends parents place where we eat together and not eating is not an option). I did not binge and that is good.
When i live in my dorm there will be less temtation because i will not buy bad foods.

bad day

my eye is swollen and i have no ide why. it is also guite red and looks ugly and i have school today and a party i really want to go tomorrow.
I am hoping it will go away by tomorrow evening but i doubt it will.

work

I have so much uni work.
I am moving out tomorrow so i am pacing and trying to figure out how to get all my stuff to the dorm.
I ate pizza today, that was my only meal.
When i have settled in my new palce i can write more and also take my measurments and maybe get a gym membership.

liquids and studying

Yesterday was okey.
It is really hard for me not to binge. I have a severe binge disorder.
I was very productive yesterday evening, and finished several university assignment i had to do. So i am really pleased about that.
I was supposed to go out with my friend in the evening but i had no motivation or mood to go so i stayed home and watched TV and studied.
Today i am liquid fasting and studying some more.
I should also start backing because i am moving to a dorm next week.
And in the evening i am going to a friends place to drink vine(yes i know how bad alcohol is).
I am liquid fasting because i want my stomach to shring so i get full faster.
I might try a water fast but i am not sure i am up to it.
I should also weigh myself but the high number would probably lead to a binge so i am staying away from a scale for a week or so.

First steps

Well today i did great in the morning.
At 2 i had my uni lecture and there my tummy did not stay quiet so after the lesson my friends offerd we should go eat before our next lesson and i could not say no.
But i am happy because i did not binge even after i had to eat. usually i am like, okey i all ready fucked up so lets binge binge binge.
Now i am going to see a football game. I need to socialise more.
Tomorrow i hope to eat very little, so my belly would be quiet in class.

Hi

Havent been here for a while. I tryed to be ormal and eat normal but still lose weight.

Well that did not happen.
I am back in uni and well eating here is crap. I eat way too much and i have gained like 6 pounds from the beginning of September. I feel like a fat cow and look like one too.
I am starting my fast in 2 hours. and i want to last 5 days. only diet coke and water is allowed.
I have been bingeing the last days because i broke up with my boyfriend. I just did not love him any more. But it is stressful and i feel sad because we had a 2 year relationship and he was the person i could trust always but there was no love anymore.
I have to wait a week before i can move to my dorm. until then i am stressed and that is bad because i binge when i am stressed.
As i am single now i have even more reason to become skinny.

I will update how my first day went tomorrow evening and maybe introduce myself a little more.
Is there anything you would like to know about me?

new things

My first day on my new diet went really great especially that i had a 3 day binge session before yesterday.
I do think i drank a bit to much juice and tea with honey so today i am going to focus on drinking lots of water.
Also great thing is that i went to a big supermarket yesterday and i found tofu. I know for most of you it is not a big thing but in the country i live in, we dont use tofu at all. And it is really hard to find a place where to get it.
so all tofu fan's, give me some ideas what to do with it. :)
i am also going to the gym later, probably some elliptical and then an hour long aerobics class.
at the moment i am watching "Chelsea settles"  for MTV.

Oh and to the comment: i have time to go to the gym because i dont have a job at the moment, but i am looking for one.

Sometimes i just want to pack my bag and , move to Australia or something. i am so fed up of my country. It is so small and i just want to live in a big city where no one knows me. I lived in the south of Europe for 3 months and i loved it. I loved to live in a big city, were no one knew who i am. I loved walking in the city center and feeling like i was alive.
Here it is just so depressing.
Yesterday i was looking outside and thought wohooo  i can go running outside soon and then in the evening it started snowing. so frustrating. i need to move someplace warmer. i like winter but only a month at a time.

xoxo

back "home"

I moved from south of europe back to my home in the north europe.
I am still fat as ever.
last night i cried because i hate my body so much. today my new diet starts. I work out 1-2hors a day every day and eat only fruit and vegetables.
my weight this morning was 62.7kg/138ibs.
My goal for this week is to lose 2.7kg/6ibs.
Today at gym i had yoga and then swam for half an hour.

I am still doing great. but well it is just the 4th day so jeah.
i went running today again, but i managed to eat a bit too much.
i am thinking about liquid fasting at the weekend. Anyone wants to join me?
It would be great to have some support.

At the moment i just want to kill my flatmate. he put the regular dish washer liquid into the dishwasher and the hole kitchen floor was covered with bubbling liquid. arggghh is it so hard to make sure that you put the right dish washing liquid into the machine. that guy just irritates me to hell. (lets call him A from now on, i think i will be writing about him a lot, because he is an idiot).

I played some Need for speed on Play Station 2 today. mind you i haven plaid PS for like 7 years. i really dont play PS or X-box or any computer games. but this was actually fun. well and the boy i was playing it had fun making fun of my driving :P
Ok i am now going to catch up on your blogs and make some tea.

Stay strong

day 2

i am going strong. i had a very good day.
I looked pretty actually. my hair was all nice and i did a great make-up and chose my clothes wisly. the only thing... if i was 5kg less, it would have been perfect.
anyways i cooked dinner and i did not "taste test" once. that is a really big accomplishment.
i ate about 500kcal and did pilates.
Short post, i am tired.

Hope you are all going strong.

Happy New Year!

The first day of the New year and i am doing great.
I ran 15km today. the longest run in my life.
I have only drank water today.
I am happy today and i am out of the big black hole i was in december.
Anyways i am doing the skinny girl diet as of today.

i know i was suposed to start Friday but really i was just one messed up mess then.
At the moment i am riding on the New Year motivation. lets hope it lasts a while.
I hid my scale and i will not be weighing myself before the end of January.

Hope you all had a great new years celebrations and that today you are happier than yesterday.